Good enough parent
Good enough mother is a concept deriving from the work of Donald Winnicott, in his efforts to provide support for what he called “the sound instincts of normal mothers…stable and healthy families”.
An extension of his championship of the “ordinary good mother…the devoted mother”, the idea of the good enough mother was designed to defend the ordinary mother and father against what Winnicott saw as the growing threat of intrusion into the family from professional expertise, and to offset the dangers of idealisation built into Kleinian articulations of the ‘good object’ and ‘good mother’, by stressing instead the actual nurturing environment provided by the mothers for the child.
Winnicott’s “good enough mother” is a concept introduced by British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in 1953, describing a mother who provides nearly perfect care initially but then gradually fails to meet every need, allowing the child to experience manageable frustrations and adapt to reality. This approach contrasts with the impossible “perfect parent” and fosters a child’s independence, resilience, and capacity to tolerate distress, ultimately leading to healthier emotional development and a more realistic relationship with the world. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Key Aspects of “Good Enough Mothering”
- Initial perfect adaptation: The mother initially caters almost completely to the infant’s every need, creating a sense of illusion and primary maternal preoccupation. [1, 6]
- Gradual failure: Over time, the mother lessens her perfect adaptation, allowing for periods of frustration and delayed gratification. [1, 7]
- Managing disappointment: These “failures” are manageable and developmentally appropriate, helping the child learn to cope with the shock of loss of omnipotence and develop the ability to tolerate distress. [4, 5]
- Fostering reality adaptation: By experiencing these necessary frustrations, the child learns to adapt to the external world, which does not always conform to their wishes. [1, 8]
- Developing independence: This process supports the development of a healthy sense of self and promotes the child’s transition to a more autonomous position. [7, 9]
- Balancing needs: Good enough mothering also creates space for the mother’s own well-being, acknowledging that perfectionism is not required or healthy for either parent or child. [2, 10]
Why “Good Enough” is Beneficial
- Healthy emotional development: Children learn to tolerate and eventually manage their own distress within a safe and caring environment. [2, 5]
- Building resilience: These experiences help children develop the resilience needed to navigate the imperfect realities of life. [5]
- Avoiding false selves: By allowing for genuine disillusionment, the mother helps the child avoid creating a “false self” and instead fosters continuing emotional growth. [4]
- Sustainable parenting: It provides a realistic and achievable standard for parents, counteracting the immense pressure to be perfect. [2, 11]
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[1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2654842/
[2] https://www.psychedmommy.com/blog/good-enough-mother
[3] https://www.all4birth.com/becoming-a-good-enough-mother/
[4] wikipedia/en/Good_enough_parent
[8] https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/suffer-the-children/201605/what-is-good-enough-mother
[9] https://www.centreforperinatalpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parent/
[10] https://medium.com/@alexandrasacks/the-good-enough-mother-ab19fd7dad06