Self-help
Self-help or self-improvement is “a focus on self-guided, in contrast to professionally guided, efforts to cope with life problems” —economically, physically, intellectually, or emotionally—often with a substantial psychological basis.
When engaged in self-help, people often use publicly available information, or support groups—on the Internet as well as in person—in which people in similar situations work together. From early examples in pro se legal practice and home-spun advice, the connotations of the word have spread and often apply particularly to education, business, exercise, psychology, and psychotherapy, as commonly distributed through the popular genre of self-help books. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, potential benefits of self-help groups that professionals may not be able to provide include friendship, emotional support, experiential knowledge, identity, meaningful roles, and a sense of belonging.
Many different self-help group programs exist, each with its own focus, techniques, associated beliefs, proponents, and in some cases leaders. Concepts and terms originating in self-help culture and Twelve-Step culture, such as recovery, dysfunctional families, and codependency have become integrated into mainstream language.
Self-help groups associated with health conditions may consist of patients and caregivers. As well as featuring long-time members sharing experiences, these health groups can become support groups and clearinghouses for educational material. Those who help themselves by learning and identifying health problems can be said to exemplify self-help, while self-help groups can be seen more as peer-to-peer or mutual-support groups.
Self-help and personal development are related but distinct concepts. Self-help typically focuses on overcoming specific problems or challenges, often through practical strategies and resources, while personal development emphasizes a broader, more holistic approach to growth and self-discovery. Self-help often addresses immediate issues like anxiety or low self-esteem, while personal development delves into understanding one’s values, purpose, and potential.
This is why you’re desperate to fix yourself (& what to do instead) - YouTube
The feeling of inadequacy
There’s a widespread sense of inadequacy and constant comparison to others, particularly fueled by social media. This leads to a continuous pursuit of the “next thing” without lasting satisfaction. The small joys in life, like a warm shower or a deep conversation with a friend, are often overlooked as mediocre. Instead, people fixate on the glamorous lifestyles portrayed by influencers, creating a cycle of dissatisfaction. This phenomenon is likened to a mass collective psychosis, where society seems to have lost the ability to enjoy life’s simple pleasures, always striving for more but never feeling fulfilled.
Key quotes:
“you are not enough this is what your mind is saying to you about 90 of the time"
"we’re all on this hamster wheel always struggling searching and striving but never arriving”
Reflective questions:
- How often do you find yourself comparing your life to others on social media?
- What aspects of your life do you tend to overlook or consider “mediocre”?
Reasons for feeling inadequate
There are three main reasons for feelings of inadequacy:
- Natural brain wiring that focuses on future possibilities: The human brain is predisposed to constantly look for the next thing and fantasize about what could be, rather than appreciating what is.
- Evolutionary need to assess one’s value to the tribe: Our minds are conditioned to evaluate our position in the social hierarchy, a survival mechanism from our tribal past. The internet has expanded our “tribe” to billions, making it nearly impossible to feel secure in our status.
- Unresolved childhood emotional neglect: Many people carry wounds from childhood where their emotional needs weren’t met, leading to a persistent feeling of lack and inadequacy.
Key quotes:
“it seems to be just a natural part of the brain’s wiring to constantly be looking for the next thing"
"our mind is conditioned over thousands of thousands of years to assess where we are in the hierarchy of the tribe”
Reflective questions:
- Which of these reasons resonates most with your personal experience?
- How has the internet affected your perception of your place in the “tribe”?
evolutionary psychology, social hierarchy, childhood emotional neglect
The impact of childhood experiences on self-worth
Childhood experiences, particularly emotional neglect, can lead to a persistent feeling of inadequacy and lack. When born, humans are naturally unconditionally loving and accepting of themselves and the world. However, as children are egocentric, any unmet needs are interpreted as a reflection of their own worth. This creates a story of being “not enough” that drives a lifelong pursuit of external validation. The child stops loving themselves unconditionally and begins criticizing the parts deemed inadequate. This initiates a cycle of trying to fix oneself, even though there was never anything inherently broken.
Key quotes:
“you feel a sense of lack and not enough because there’s a part of you a part of your mind that is still unconscious seek in the validation love and acceptance that you didn’t get when you were younger"
"we stop loving ourselves unconditionally and we start criticizing the part of us that we deem to be not enough”
Reflective questions:
- Can you identify any childhood experiences that might have contributed to feelings of inadequacy?
- How has your pursuit of external validation manifested in your life?
The futility of trying to “fix” yourself
The pursuit of fixing oneself is misguided, as humans are not inherently broken. External approval and validation are fleeting and can never fully satisfy the deep-seated need for self-acceptance. The only lasting solution is to turn towards our pain and practice “shadow work” to integrate and love the wounded parts of ourselves. This involves dropping the constant pursuit of self-improvement and instead facing our pain in a loving, centered, and grounded way. By doing so, we can begin to heal the parts of ourselves that we’ve been trying to fix, leading to genuine self-acceptance and love.
Actionable steps:
- Stop trying to fix yourself
- Turn towards your pain in a loving, centered, and grounded way
- Begin practicing shadow work
Key quotes:
“none of the approval from outside of you will last the only approval that will last the only love that really will last is the love that comes from yourself towards that wounded part of you"
"stop trying to fix yourself and do Shadow work instead”
Reflective questions:
- What parts of yourself have you been trying to “fix”?
- How might your life change if you approached these parts with love and acceptance instead?