up:: Social Science, Psychology
Relationships
Sloww Hierarchy of Happiness – Relationships
The first is that social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they’re physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected … And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage, so the second big lesson that we learned is that it’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters … And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
Emotional happiness is primarily social … The very best thing that can happen to people is to spend time with other people they like. That is when they are happiest. ― Dr. Daniel Kahneman
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself. ― Gretchen Rubin
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Be an extreme version of yourself(don’t try to not be a nerd, embrace that) - and ask out a lot of people.
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People who are perpetually single are trying to date the small number of people that everyone else is trying to date
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It’s not lowering your standards, it’s changing what your standards consists of. You’re optimizing for the wrong parameters. You’re wanting things that are not going to aid your goal of long term relationship.
- By doing this you’re opening yourself up to an untapped new market with less competition that could bring happiness.
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Take advantage of the Similarity Bias - similar traits are attractive.
- We’re 11.3% more likely to match with someone who shares our initials.
How to Flip Someone From Rude to Respectful - YouTube
Effective Strategies for Handling Rudeness
One effective way to handle rudeness is by drawing a boundary and exiting the conversation when necessary. It’s also essential to let people know how you want them to act around you. For instance, you can assertively yet respectfully indicate what you will or will not tolerate in a conversation. This approach avoids creating a power struggle and helps maintain your composure.
Non-Engagement Techniques
Practicing non-engagement with unwanted behavior is another strategy to defuse rudeness. Using a simple, friendly word like “okay” can completely deflate aggressive energy. This method works because rudeness often seeks a reaction, and non-engagement deprives it of that fuel. Responding slowly and with sincerity also invites the other person to reconsider their tone.
The Power of Open Questions
Asking open questions about the worldview underlying someone’s rudeness can help shift the interaction. Open questions aim to understand the other person rather than corner them. This approach fosters a more respectful dialogue and can lead to a more productive conversation.
Establishing Boundaries in Conversation
When setting boundaries, state what you will do rather than demanding the other person change their behavior. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t speak for others,” you could say, “If you continue to speak from others’ perspectives, I will leave the conversation.” This method avoids power struggles and maintains respect.
Responding with Sincerity
Responding to rudeness with sincerity can disarm the other person. For example, answering slowly and genuinely can prompt the other person to adjust their tone. This technique works because maintaining rudeness is uncomfortable when met with kindness and sincerity.
Open Questions vs. Closed Questions
Open questions are designed to understand the other person’s perspective, while closed questions often aim to prove the other person wrong. Using open questions can prevent the conversation from becoming adversarial and promote mutual understanding.
Inviting Mutual Respect
To foster respect, ask the other person if it’s okay to share your perspective. This approach respects their ego and can reduce defensiveness. Additionally, sharing areas of agreement first can make the other person more receptive to your differing views.
Establishing Boundaries in Conversation
Letting Go of the Need to Change Others
To transform rudeness into respect, drop the goal of changing the other person. Focus on deeply understanding their perspective instead. This approach helps you stay composed and often leads to the other person becoming more open and respectful.
Building Connection Through Understanding
Rather than trying to change someone, aim to understand them. This approach can naturally calm rude behavior and foster a more genuine connection. For example, acknowledging how someone’s statements might provoke arguments shows understanding and can defuse tension.
Let people be in their own worlds - YouTube
Here are the notes from the provided transcript, focusing on the key ideas and insights:
Trying to Change People is a Losing Battle
Attempting to change others to fit our personal desires or expectations is selfish and ultimately ineffective. Even if we believe the change would benefit them, it’s not genuine to who they are and can lead to resentment and discomfort. Long-term change must come from within the individual.
Respecting individual journeys, Letting go of control, Authentic change
“Trying to get people to change is a losing battle and especially when you’re doing personal growth and when you get really Advanced into Consciousness work it can really like I used to really want some people in my life to change so I could feel more supported by them or like understood or just feel you know like they can help me more and it’s just very selfish motives”
- Why do we feel the need to change others?
- How can we support others without trying to control their journey?
Respect People’s Individual Journeys and Trust in Life’s Unfoldment
When doing personal growth and consciousness work, it’s important to respect the rate at which people can evolve individually and collectively. Give others permission to be who they are, even if it doesn’t serve you directly. Trust in the underlying dynamics of life and the unfolding of each person’s journey.
Mystery of the universe, Wisdom in letting change occur organically, Offering guidance and support
“Basically everything in the universe is a complete mystery to us including like anything in your experience you basically have no idea what anything is what it’s made out of how it got here whatever so just taking the attitude of not knowing and just respecting their journey is just like there’s a there’s an energy to that of of just wisdom”
- How can we cultivate a deeper sense of trust in life’s unfoldment?
- What can we learn from embracing the mystery of the universe?
Change is Hard and Often Met with Resistance
Change is counterintuitive and people often resist it, even when it comes to simple things like starting a meditation practice or breaking coping mechanisms. We tend to act like children when triggered or when things don’t go our way, with our higher aspects being overridden by lower parts of ourselves.
Resistance to change, Overcoming triggers, Compassion and understanding
- What are some common resistances to change that you’ve experienced?
- How can we navigate triggers and emotional reactions more skillfully?
Practice Compassion and Understand Others’ Worldviews
To support others effectively, practice compassion and seek to understand their consciousness, worldviews, patterns, triggers, values, and identity. If you constantly need to change someone to be fundamentally different, the relationship may not be compatible long-term.
Harmonious relationships, Genuine and authentic actions, Attracting aligned relationships
“So you got to practice compassion for people and just practice understanding where they’re coming from you have to understand their Consciousness you have to understand their worldview you have to understand their patterns their triggers their values their of identity”
- How can we deepen our understanding and compassion for others?
- What role does authenticity play in attracting aligned relationships?
Letting Go and Being Authentic Attracts Aligned Relationships
By letting go of the need to control others and doing what is meaningful and authentic to you, you naturally attract people who resonate with you and are good fits for your journey. The universe brings the right people into your experience when you align with your truth.
Outgrowing relationships, Depth of connection, Courage to let go
“By letting go and doing what is Meaningful and authentic to you you naturally attract people who resonate with you you naturally attract people who are like good fits for you you basically uh can align yourself with the right people simply based off the one principle of just like letting go of needing to control people doing what’s genuine for you and seeing who enters your life”
- What are some ways you can practice letting go and being more authentic?
- How have aligned relationships entered your life when you’ve followed your truth?
Accepting People and the Present Moment Doesn’t Mean Tolerating Mistreatment
Accepting people as they are and embracing the present moment doesn’t mean putting up with unhealthy or misaligned relationships. You can accept the reality of a situation while still taking action to change or remove yourself from it. Acceptance brings clarity and well-being, while resistance creates inner turmoil.
Evaluating relationship depth, Superficial reasons for maintaining relationships, Healing through acceptance
“Accepting people for who they are is very different from tolerating garbage in your life you can accept the present moment accept people and like change things like you can accept that people are the way they are that doesn’t mean that you have to keep them in your life if it’s not the best thing for you if it’s not healthy”
- How can you discern between acceptance and tolerance of mistreatment?
- What superficial reasons might be keeping you in misaligned relationships?
— #genAI/claude
Relationships You Should Have But Don’t - YouTube
Here are the detailed notes based on the transcript:
The importance of diverse social relationships
A concise summary of the key points:
- We often overlook crucial social relationships that could enrich our lives
- Awareness of these missing relationships allows us to actively seek them out
- Some relationships are underrated (green) and should be pursued, while others are overrated (red) and may need less emphasis
- A balanced social network contributes to a more fulfilling and meaningful life
Actionable steps:
- Identify the social relationships you currently have
- Compare your existing relationships to the ones mentioned in the transcript
- Actively seek out the underrated relationships you’re missing
- Reevaluate the importance you place on overrated relationships
“I made a list of all the social relationships that we’re missing and that we don’t even know that we’re missing… the importance of describing social relationships that we don’t have is so that we can keep our eyes out for the things that we’re missing so that we can look for it because you won’t find what you can’t describe and you will find things that you look for”
Reflective questions:
- What social relationships am I currently missing in my life?
- How might my life improve if I actively pursued these missing relationships?
- Are there any overrated relationships I’m placing too much emphasis on?
The overemphasis on self-focus
A concise summary of the key points:
- Society often promotes excessive self-focus through concepts like self-care and “sigma grindset”
- This individualistic approach can be atomizing and limit personal growth
- True importance and meaning in life come from connections with others
- Balancing self-care with social relationships is crucial for personal development
“You’re in this little bubble here and you are highly overrated because you as an as a as a little node as an individual node just aren’t that important and you never will be that important with other people and if you want to live an important life a meaningful life you need others in it”
Reflective questions:
- How has the emphasis on self-focus affected my relationships and personal growth?
- In what ways can I strike a balance between self-care and nurturing social connections?
- How might my perspective on personal importance change if I focus more on my role within a community?
The limitations of traditional social circles
A concise summary of the key points:
- Many people rely solely on family and a few friends for social connections
- This limited social circle can lead to feelings of isolation or stunted personal growth
- Expanding beyond these basic relationships is crucial for becoming a “full person”
- Overreliance on family can result in feeling mentally younger than one’s actual age
“If you only have family though you might just feel like an earring you know uh on your mom or something like you might still feel mentally 12 years old because these are the relationships you start with but as you grow you realize you need more than just your family to be a full person”
Reflective questions:
- How diverse is my current social circle?
- In what ways might I be limiting my personal growth by relying too heavily on family or a small group of friends?
- What steps can I take to expand my social connections beyond my comfort zone?
The overemphasis on romantic relationships
A concise summary of the key points:
- Romantic relationships (lovers) are often seen as the ultimate solution to personal fulfillment
- This perspective puts too much pressure on romantic partners to fulfill multiple roles
- A healthy romantic relationship should exist within a broader community context
- Overemphasis on romantic relationships can lead to neglecting other important social connections
“Lover is a highly overrated concept… romantic love is a beautiful thing… it’s also not the only thing that matters… if this is all you have you don’t have much and if this is all you have if this falls apart you have nothing”
Actionable steps:
- Assess the importance you place on romantic relationships
- Identify areas where you might be expecting a romantic partner to fulfill multiple roles
- Actively nurture other social relationships alongside romantic ones
- Integrate your romantic relationship into your broader social network
Reflective questions:
- How much pressure am I putting on my romantic relationship (or the idea of one) to fulfill all my social needs?
- In what ways can I cultivate a more diverse social network to support my romantic relationship?
- How might my perspective on romantic relationships change if I viewed them as part of a larger community?
romantic relationships, relationship balance, community integration
The value of best friends
A concise summary of the key points:
- The concept of “best friends” is often overlooked in adulthood
- Having close friends who can be relied upon in difficult times is crucial
- Being someone’s best friend is as important as having one
- Deep connections with friends can provide essential support and personal growth
Actionable steps:
- Identify potential best friend candidates in your current social circle
- Actively work on deepening these friendships through vulnerability and shared experiences
- Be willing to offer the same level of support and dedication you hope to receive
- Regularly check in with and nurture these close friendships
“Remember being five and having best friends and then you get older and you’re like well maybe I shouldn’t be hierarchical with my friendships maybe you should maybe you should know some people that you can call up at 3:00 a.m. and cry towards”
Reflective questions:
- Who in my life could I consider a best friend, and how can I deepen that relationship?
- Am I willing to be vulnerable and supportive enough to be someone’s best friend?
- How might having one or more best friends impact my overall well-being and personal growth?
The importance of peers and acquaintances
A concise summary of the key points:
- Peers are people who share similar interests or professions
- Having peers provides a sense of community and healthy competition
- Acquaintances offer potential for new friendships and expanded social circles
- Both peers and acquaintances contribute to a well-rounded social network
Actionable steps:
- Identify your areas of interest or profession where you can connect with peers
- Actively participate in communities or events related to these areas
- Maintain casual relationships with acquaintances, recognizing their potential
- Balance time between deepening existing relationships and cultivating new ones
“Peers are people that do what you do… these are good ways of seeing yourself and other people in having a hierarchy to compete with… you should have acquaintances too… they are possible connections that you could deepen and make into friends or make into peers”
Reflective questions:
- In what areas of my life could I benefit from having more peers?
- How can I create opportunities to meet and connect with potential acquaintances?
- How might a diverse network of peers and acquaintances contribute to my personal and professional growth?
social network, professional development, community building
The underrated value of mentorship
A concise summary of the key points:
- Mentorship is one of the most underrated and valuable social relationships
- Having a mentor provides access to wisdom, resources, and personal growth opportunities
- Mentorship benefits both the mentee and the mentor
- Society’s misconceptions about mentorship can prevent people from seeking these relationships
Actionable steps:
- Identify potential mentors in your field of interest or desired area of growth
- Approach potential mentors with clarity about your goals and what you hope to learn
- Be open to mentorship from individuals who are significantly older or more experienced
- Consider ways you can provide value to your mentor as well
“Mentorship I have a mentor my relationship with my mentor has been longlasting and constantly generative and positive… to subjugate yourself willingly to an older person to replicate some of their traits whether it is intelligence or success career personality… this is so important and no one has it”
Reflective questions:
- What areas of my life could benefit from having a mentor?
- What qualities would I look for in an ideal mentor?
- How can I overcome any personal reservations about seeking mentorship?
mentorship, personal growth, intergenerational relationships
The role of elders and community leaders
A concise summary of the key points:
- Elders provide valuable perspective from different life stages
- Community leaders offer guidance and structure within specific groups
- These relationships are often overlooked in modern, age-segregated societies
- Engaging with elders and community leaders can provide unique insights and support
“Elders are kind of rated because on one hand there are boomers and Boomers tend to be you know genuinely kind of confused and unhelpful about the state of the world and maybe give you negative wisdom or negative advice um but underrated because social relationships are uh typically just within your own age group right now and it’s super helpful to have perspectives from people who have been through what you’ve been at the same stage of life”
Reflective questions:
- How can I seek out and engage with elders in my community?
- What types of community leaders might be beneficial for me to connect with?
- How might my perspective change by actively engaging with people from different generations?
intergenerational relationships, community engagement, wisdom sharing
The benefits of rivals and healthy competition
A concise summary of the key points:
- Rivals push you to be better and challenge your ideas
- A good rivalry is based on respect and mutual growth
- Rivals are different from enemies and can be a positive force in your life
- Healthy competition can lead to personal and professional development
Actionable steps:
- Identify potential rivals in your field or areas of interest
- Engage in friendly competition that pushes both parties to improve
- Learn to appreciate and respect your rival’s strengths and perspectives
- Use rivalry as a motivation for personal growth and skill development
“A rival is someone that pushes you to be better and that you have some real fundamental disagreements with but you would never want to you would never want them to fail because you want to just be a little bit better than them”
Reflective questions:
- Who in my life could be considered a positive rival?
- How can I cultivate a healthy rivalry that benefits both parties?
- In what ways might having a rival push me to achieve more than I would on my own?
The role of enemies in personal development
A concise summary of the key points:
- Having enemies can indicate that you stand for something
- The absence of enemies might suggest a lack of strong convictions
- Enemies are different from rivals and represent more extreme opposition
- Recognizing enemies can clarify your own values and motivations
“Maybe you should have an enemy or two maybe you should have someone you want to crush like a bug and uh I don’t know I was I probably do rival instead of enemy but it’s not such a bad thing to have enemies it means that you’re you have some sort of perspective or or thing that you that you stand for”
Reflective questions:
- What does the presence (or absence) of enemies in my life say about my convictions?
- How can I use opposition or conflict to clarify my own values and goals?
- Is there a way to transform enemy relationships into more productive rivalries?
Taking initiative in building diverse relationships
A concise summary of the key points:
- Many valuable relationships don’t form naturally in modern society
- Taking initiative is crucial for developing a diverse social network
- Being explicit about relationship needs can lead to surprising positive responses
- Actively seeking out diverse relationships can greatly enrich one’s life
Actionable steps:
- Identify the types of relationships missing from your social network
- Be proactive in seeking out these relationships
- Communicate your intentions clearly when pursuing new relationships
- Regularly assess and nurture your growing social network
“A lot of these relationships aren’t going to happen because we live in sick sick times and everyone’s just thinking about this if you go out and you are very explicit about I need a mentor I’ve been thinking about you as a mentor you will be surprised how many people take that bait and go and be your Mentor because we all want more social relationships in our lives and we just don’t know it”
Reflective questions:
- What relationships am I missing that I could actively seek out?
- How can I become more comfortable with taking initiative in forming new relationships?
- What barriers might be preventing me from pursuing a more diverse social network?
social initiative, relationship building, personal growth
— #genAI/claude
Quotes
- [Society] is structured to distract people from the decisions that have a huge impact on happiness in order to focus attention on the decisions that have a marginal impact on happiness. The most important decision any of us make is who we marry. Yet there are no courses on how to choose a spouse. ― David Brooks, political and cultural commentator
- “Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience” ― Samuel Johnson
- Other things may change us, but we start and end with family. ― Anthony Brandt, writer
- What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ― Leo Tolstoy, writer
- “I’d rather live on my own than live with a face that looks at me with the wrong eyes.” ― Jane Birkin
- “I am a true believer that the most important relationships we have are the ones that are being carried out inside of our own head.” ― Jill Bolte Taylor
- “Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself …” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
- A hallmark of a conflictual marriage is that husband and wife are angry and dissatisfied with one another. While the atmosphere of conflictual relationships is intensely negative much of the time, it is usually punctuated by periods of equally intense, sometimes very passionate closeness…. Conflict can have an addictive quality: It is both a familiar scene and a poignant reminder of how involved two people are with one another. People do not want conflict, but they have not found an alternative way of interacting. – MICHAEL E. KERR, M.D., Family Evaluation
- Even though you try to put people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. Then they will be in control in its wider sense. To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him. So it is with people: first let them do what they want, and watch them. This is the best policy. To ignore them is not good; that is the worst policy. The second worst is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them, just to watch them, without trying to control them. – SHUNRYU SUZUKI ROSHI, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind
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